Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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