If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
