I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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