I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
