btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
