yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
