He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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