i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
