There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
