Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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