It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
