Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
