Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
