I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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