cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
