I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
