took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
