First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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