I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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