test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
