i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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