The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
