I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
