i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
