I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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