I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
