4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
