Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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