just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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