The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
