So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
