So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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