I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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