if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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