just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
This toilet bowl is my home.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
