Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
