I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
