It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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