I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
