my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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