3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
