a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
