my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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