I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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