I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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