Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
where are my eyebrows?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
