you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
