I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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