im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
i've created a new STD.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
