How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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