WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
